Overachiever mode

Last weekend I watched the Free Solo for the first time.
I cried multiple times and it got me feeling things I haven’t felt in a while.

(just so you know, I actually cry in weird moments of movies. I cry when the moment is so happy – I can’t handle it, I cry when I’m s excited etc… you get the drill ;) )

The movie reminded me of some things too. Watching people around the athlete – going through all sorts of emotions. It reminded me a little how I felt about my ex boyfriend when he was doing his skydiving trips – that something will go wrong and he’ll get hurt. It was mostly safe sport, but I was always nervous. It was such a bizarre feeling, because you’re excited for the person but you’re really anxious at the same time … It is no way comparable to what Alex Honnold does, but that was just a bit of similar experience, especially when accidents were happening in the skydiving world.

It’s funny how I’m doing my AFF soon and my feelings towards it are completely opposite now. The excitement is taking over the fear.
And now I’m thinking – if somebody is hundred percent committed to something – it’s all they can think about. And if they have a task or a target they wanna fulfil, they will not rest until it’s done.

Now it gets me wondering if I was ever so committed to something – I absolutely NEEDED to achieve it and what were my reasons for it…
I used to commit very much to doing my sit ups, because I was petrified that my stomach will not be flat. But I guess it came from my body weight issues. And it was definitely not a good place to come from, so I won’t consider it an achievement…
Anything else? Hmmm, I have so many hobbies and projects I actually struggle with finishing things. Yes – I’m one of those people. Somehow I always land the butter side up. No matter what happens, it always comes out in the best possible way. So even if I didn’t commit to exams or assignments, I’d always pass them anyway.
So I guess I must have not had anything that I really really wanted if I can’t remember it.
The thing I love the most in the world is taking photos and editing them. I could sit for 8 hours straight without even moving, just drinking coffee and editing, because it makes me so happy. Although I can’t say it’s a type of a extreme commitment behaviour.
I guess that means I have none (?) Is it god or bad tho? Is there something called a healthy obsession? Or is having hobbies enough? Does it mean I will not achieve success? Because I’m not completely consumed by a goal or a target or a task?

I’ve made my 30 for 30 lists and one of them is full of goals that I want to achieve and it makes me wonder how absorbed and consumed by them you actually have to be to get there?
Should I try to dedicate myself to something and see if that brings the feeling of fulfilment and excitement? If that’s gonna bring me so much thrill that I will never look back and live my life like this?

I’m only writing all of this because after this movie I feel like such a looser that I have never let anything consume me until I mastered it and I never had a desire to be the best at anything. And now I want to!!! Cheers Honnold for ruining it all for me!

now, what should be my task? goal? any ideas? Help! I wanna be a little home version of a crazy overachiever! (I hope it’s not too late for me! :o)

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